I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize