Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
