i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
