Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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