did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
