dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
