**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
