Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
