Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
