The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
