Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Are my feet made of real feet?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize