ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize