The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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