at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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