this beer tastes like vomit already
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize