I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was born a porn star she said
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
