So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
