For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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