Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
