I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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