I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
