I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
smell my finger.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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