I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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