Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
