she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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