I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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