I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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