i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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