I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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