You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
