I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
