just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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