do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
