if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
