mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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