and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
