I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
