He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
