You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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