I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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