TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
bring money and cleavage
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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