Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
