i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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