I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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