U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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