They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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