Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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