I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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