there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i think i just lost a toe
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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