I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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