Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
