I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
