I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
