Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
