Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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