My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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