When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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