someone threw a dead crab at me
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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